Man I know this is absolutely just me 500% overthinking things for my oshi (as you do), but Vangeance's situation was just ... the most horrible perfect storm of circumstances for absolutely destroying who he is as an individual and it messes me up so good.
It's not exactly clear how Vangeance lived in the Forsaken Realm, but he's always shown alone. I have to assume that his father put some stake into ensuring his survival as a backup heir candidate, so maybe he got dunked into some sort of orphanage? Left with a caretaker who only ensured his physical survival and not much else? Either way, there was only loneliness and survival, and the only thing he had to sustain himself was ... a mission. Not any sort of kindness shown to him, or something to look forward to, but duty -- the knowledge that he was the only thing standing between a weaker being and death.
And it's so fucking depressing that Patry didn't even awaken until years later, because that means the devotion was almost completely one-sided. All Patry did was sit there, sleeping, radiating hatred and rage and grief, but Vangeance knew that this person was weak and suffering, and so he defined his own existence in terms of protection and kindness. Everyone hates him because of his face, which isn't even his fault, he's constantly called cursed and hideous so he has no reason to value himself as a person, life in the Forsaken Realm is hard and shit sucks, but there's just one thing in his life that he does have some meager amount of control over, and it's the fact that 'I need to live because that is the only thing keeping this other hurt person alive, which is just ... such a heavy fucking burden for a child. But it's all he had, and so he clung to it.
From ages 0 to almost-8, Vangeance would have defined himself purely as 1) something disgusting and cursed and 2) Patry's protector.
And at age 8 he finally earn another identifier, and it's 3) heir replacement. He knows he's only a last resort, that he's only accepted as his father's son because the original and ideal candidate died, and that his foster mother fucking hates him.
(As an adult he probably has a better understanding that she was likely also angry because he was proof of his father's infidelity, and that this was a woman who was grieving the loss of her son, but still. For someone as generally gentle as him to use the word "hellish" to describe his childhood, he definitely knows that what was done to him is unforgivable, and it was probably ... pretty bad.)
We know that he was subject to physical violence once he was taken in as a noble, but I feel like, given he spent his earliest years in the Forsaken Realm and now has the most impeccable Knightly presentation as an adult, his childhood from ages 8 to 15 mostly entailed training to be the noble heir. Because that was the only reason he was taken in, after all. His foster mother beat and abused and trained him, molding him into something that would even stand a chance at being a worthy replacement of her son (although she'd still never accept him, because that's how grief and anger and hierarchical standards work), and Vangeance continued to accept that his only worth as a human being is in terms of duty. Duty to Patry, and duty to his family.
And it's fucken tragic that even when he does finally meet someone kind, it's Julius, who tells him, "You have value as someone with the strength and ability to protect others!"
I feel like Julius is generally presented as the Big Good of the series, but he also has his limits, both in terms of his ideals and what he accomplishes. He can be a little self-centered in his thinking, he's definitely capable of killing in order to do his job, and he's ultimately too focused on his goal of country-wise reform in order to notice smaller-scale problems (like the rampant classism in the Order, the turmoil within royal families, Vangeance's whole two-souls dilemma, etc). And I don't doubt that Julius was genuinely kind and nurturing to Vangeance, but I feel like just the fact that for Vangeance, who's already couched his entire existence in terms of protecting and serving others, for the first good influence in his life to also define him in terms of his duties to others, that just cements his mindset that he has no inherent value. If even Julius -- the kindest, wisest, most generous person he's ever met (because he's never met a decent person before in his fucking life) -- tells him that his purpose in life must be service towards others, then it must be true.
Vangeance, age thirteen, decides he'll swear his life to the first person who was ever kind to him, because all he's ever known is devoting himself to others -- to Patry, to his family, and now to Julius.
So when Patry finally awakens and the true crux of his dilemma emerges, it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Vangeance really is a gentle person at his core, I think. The fact that he survived his childhood purely out of the desire to protect someone else really shows that he's a dutiful and kind person at his core, who cares deeply about the wellbeing of others. The official materials and narration in the lightnovel always insist that he's kind, he's gentle, he cares, he likes children, he wants to protect people, he really does. I feel like in that respect, Julius' initial assessment of his magic being an embodiment of "wanting to kindly protect others" isn't incorrect.
But even if he loves and cherishes people, and doesn't really want to raze the Kingdom to the ground, he can't just deny Patry because Vangeance has defined himself as a protector, and Patry is the person he's protected all his life.
Like ... how soul-crushing would that prospect be? You don't give a shit about yourself as an individual except in the context of being able to protect others, and then you're put in a position where maybe, just maybe, there's a possibility that 'the right choice' is to backstab the one person whose pain you empathize with the most, who you wouldn't be alive without (because protecting Patry was the only thing that kept him alive long enough to meet Julius), who you've always known and and cherished and protected, who was the sole reason for your existence in your earliest years. Black Clover plays coy with the word 'love' because it's ultimately shounenshit, but I feel like it's so obvious that Vangeance truly loves Patry with his entire heart and soul, probably not in a romantic sense but in terms of valuing him above all else. Because Patry is the encapsulation of why he's even alive, and Patry was the only one in his life he was allowed to hold dear for the longest time, and he knows as an absolute truth that Patry deserves so much better than the miserable fate he was handed.
And I think a lot about how things might have been different if Vangeance had had even one or two more kind people in his life, who told him he had value beyond what he could do for others. Because then he might have been able to stand up to Patry when he first awoke, and better insist that "humans are capable of being good, actually," and be able to stomach the thought of hurting Patry, because that wouldn't be the be-all and end-all to one of the two pillars of his raison d'être. But he didn't. So Vangeance knows deep in his bones just how shitty humanity can be (and has been to him for his entire childhood, with the sole exception of Julius, up until the day he just started wearing a mask), and also he's desperate not to betray Patry, so when Patry declares that the Kingdom has to burn, Vangeance has the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair and buckles.
The fact that the betrayal wasn't even a full betrayal -- that he couldn't just fully side with Patry and shank Julius in the back and peace out, because he does ultimately love and respect Julius so so so much -- is honestly the kicker, because it's what really just incinerates his final dregs of self-worth.
It's ten years that Vangeance spent playing both sides. Ten years of accepting Patry's burning vitriol and hatred towards humanity, while also fighting every day to protect humans in Julius' honor. And it wasn't like he could cleanly divide the time he spent supporting Patry vs. the time he spent supporting Julius, the line is so blurred that that slow betrayal is steeped into every aspect of his life. The Golden Dawn is a powerful brigade that's earned so much merit and that has done so much for the people, but also it's an incubator for a bunch of elf vessels. Vangeance can't ever just leave Patry behind, because Patry and he are one and the same, but he's become such a national hero that there's no way to dissociate himself from his identity as Grand Magic Knight, either. Not to mention how closely Patry's plan was tied into Vangeance's status and privilege as a Captain.
Those ten years must have completely eroded his ability to self-identify as a protector of the people, since he was a traitor to his Kingdom and race, leaving him with only his loyalties to his two most cherished people ... and even that, he wasn't allowed to retain, because he'd ultimately lose one or the other. And I think that's why, in the end, he couldn't choose. It was a boiling-frog situation where he allowed himself smaller betrayals against the Kingdom at first (the Kingdom that he knows has so horrendously wronged Patry, and that was so cruel to him in his formative years), telling himself that any one of those actions was more forgivable than the absolute crime of betraying his literal soulmate, who had genuinely been wronged by humankind. First just secretly harboring post-awakening Patry, and then sympathizing with his cause, and then forming the Golden Dawn with members who could serve as elf vessels, and then finally starting to allow Patry to act as 'Licht.' But with each betrayal, he could no longer call himself any sort of true protector, increasingly just a lying traitor, eroding his sense of identity bit by bit, leaving him with nothing to sincerely call his own except his devotion to the two people he loves most -- Patry and Julius. His dearest friend, and his benefactor and father figure. And finally, he's fully cornered, and has to accept that they can no longer coexist in any capacity. They will fight, and one of them will probably die.
And I think the pain would have been further magnified by the fact that Vangeance isn't oblivious to what he's doing. Vangeance, fully aware that every single path of action he could take would hurt someone he cherished, tried desperately to walk the middle ground in hopes that some miracle would manifest and stop the slow-moving trainwreck of his life. But he also would have known that no miracle would manifest, and he should have just made his choice, but maybe, but maybe. Every time he hurt someone would have been a fresh regret to add to the pile, and every addition to that pile would have made him all the more desperate not to hurt the people he did have remaining, and so the vicious cycle went for ten years.
Vangeance is a fucking coward who couldn't choose who to be loyal to, and I do think a part of his cowardice is selfish. Selfish because it's driven by elements of self-preservation, of the desperate desire to protect the people important to him, because they were all he had for the longest time. And he's aware of all this, Vangeance knows exactly what he did wrong, but he still can't stop himself, and because of that he truly hates himself. He grew up surrounded by people hating on him and was sustained only by his desire and ability to protect, but now that he knows he's failed even in that aspect, to his subordinates, to the Kingdom, to the most important people in his life, there's no reason for him to disagree with all those people who said he's just some cursed thing.
There's something really fucking sad about the fact that his 'last words' in both the manga and the light novels ("Perhaps I'll be forgiven for praying, at least ... ?") are pleas to a higher being ... for the sake of those he'll be leaving behind. Because to the end, he doesn't consider himself something worth saving, and all he wants is for those he cherishes to be safe and happy. And since he's failed to protect those people, all he can do (if he's even permitted that luxury, as a coward and a traitor and the worst sort of human being) is pray that someone else will be able to protect them better than he did.
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It's not exactly clear how Vangeance lived in the Forsaken Realm, but he's always shown alone. I have to assume that his father put some stake into ensuring his survival as a backup heir candidate, so maybe he got dunked into some sort of orphanage? Left with a caretaker who only ensured his physical survival and not much else? Either way, there was only loneliness and survival, and the only thing he had to sustain himself was ... a mission. Not any sort of kindness shown to him, or something to look forward to, but duty -- the knowledge that he was the only thing standing between a weaker being and death.
And it's so fucking depressing that Patry didn't even awaken until years later, because that means the devotion was almost completely one-sided. All Patry did was sit there, sleeping, radiating hatred and rage and grief, but Vangeance knew that this person was weak and suffering, and so he defined his own existence in terms of protection and kindness. Everyone hates him because of his face, which isn't even his fault, he's constantly called cursed and hideous so he has no reason to value himself as a person, life in the Forsaken Realm is hard and shit sucks, but there's just one thing in his life that he does have some meager amount of control over, and it's the fact that 'I need to live because that is the only thing keeping this other hurt person alive, which is just ... such a heavy fucking burden for a child. But it's all he had, and so he clung to it.
From ages 0 to almost-8, Vangeance would have defined himself purely as 1) something disgusting and cursed and 2) Patry's protector.
And at age 8 he finally earn another identifier, and it's 3) heir replacement. He knows he's only a last resort, that he's only accepted as his father's son because the original and ideal candidate died, and that his foster mother fucking hates him.
(As an adult he probably has a better understanding that she was likely also angry because he was proof of his father's infidelity, and that this was a woman who was grieving the loss of her son, but still. For someone as generally gentle as him to use the word "hellish" to describe his childhood, he definitely knows that what was done to him is unforgivable, and it was probably ... pretty bad.)
We know that he was subject to physical violence once he was taken in as a noble, but I feel like, given he spent his earliest years in the Forsaken Realm and now has the most impeccable Knightly presentation as an adult, his childhood from ages 8 to 15 mostly entailed training to be the noble heir. Because that was the only reason he was taken in, after all. His foster mother beat and abused and trained him, molding him into something that would even stand a chance at being a worthy replacement of her son (although she'd still never accept him, because that's how grief and anger and hierarchical standards work), and Vangeance continued to accept that his only worth as a human being is in terms of duty. Duty to Patry, and duty to his family.
And it's fucken tragic that even when he does finally meet someone kind, it's Julius, who tells him, "You have value as someone with the strength and ability to protect others!"
I feel like Julius is generally presented as the Big Good of the series, but he also has his limits, both in terms of his ideals and what he accomplishes. He can be a little self-centered in his thinking, he's definitely capable of killing in order to do his job, and he's ultimately too focused on his goal of country-wise reform in order to notice smaller-scale problems (like the rampant classism in the Order, the turmoil within royal families, Vangeance's whole two-souls dilemma, etc). And I don't doubt that Julius was genuinely kind and nurturing to Vangeance, but I feel like just the fact that for Vangeance, who's already couched his entire existence in terms of protecting and serving others, for the first good influence in his life to also define him in terms of his duties to others, that just cements his mindset that he has no inherent value. If even Julius -- the kindest, wisest, most generous person he's ever met (because he's never met a decent person before in his fucking life) -- tells him that his purpose in life must be service towards others, then it must be true.
Vangeance, age thirteen, decides he'll swear his life to the first person who was ever kind to him, because all he's ever known is devoting himself to others -- to Patry, to his family, and now to Julius.
So when Patry finally awakens and the true crux of his dilemma emerges, it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Vangeance really is a gentle person at his core, I think. The fact that he survived his childhood purely out of the desire to protect someone else really shows that he's a dutiful and kind person at his core, who cares deeply about the wellbeing of others. The official materials and narration in the lightnovel always insist that he's kind, he's gentle, he cares, he likes children, he wants to protect people, he really does. I feel like in that respect, Julius' initial assessment of his magic being an embodiment of "wanting to kindly protect others" isn't incorrect.
But even if he loves and cherishes people, and doesn't really want to raze the Kingdom to the ground, he can't just deny Patry because Vangeance has defined himself as a protector, and Patry is the person he's protected all his life.
Like ... how soul-crushing would that prospect be? You don't give a shit about yourself as an individual except in the context of being able to protect others, and then you're put in a position where maybe, just maybe, there's a possibility that 'the right choice' is to backstab the one person whose pain you empathize with the most, who you wouldn't be alive without (because protecting Patry was the only thing that kept him alive long enough to meet Julius), who you've always known and and cherished and protected, who was the sole reason for your existence in your earliest years. Black Clover plays coy with the word 'love' because it's ultimately shounenshit, but I feel like it's so obvious that Vangeance truly loves Patry with his entire heart and soul, probably not in a romantic sense but in terms of valuing him above all else. Because Patry is the encapsulation of why he's even alive, and Patry was the only one in his life he was allowed to hold dear for the longest time, and he knows as an absolute truth that Patry deserves so much better than the miserable fate he was handed.
And I think a lot about how things might have been different if Vangeance had had even one or two more kind people in his life, who told him he had value beyond what he could do for others. Because then he might have been able to stand up to Patry when he first awoke, and better insist that "humans are capable of being good, actually," and be able to stomach the thought of hurting Patry, because that wouldn't be the be-all and end-all to one of the two pillars of his raison d'être. But he didn't. So Vangeance knows deep in his bones just how shitty humanity can be (and has been to him for his entire childhood, with the sole exception of Julius, up until the day he just started wearing a mask), and also he's desperate not to betray Patry, so when Patry declares that the Kingdom has to burn, Vangeance has the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair and buckles.
The fact that the betrayal wasn't even a full betrayal -- that he couldn't just fully side with Patry and shank Julius in the back and peace out, because he does ultimately love and respect Julius so so so much -- is honestly the kicker, because it's what really just incinerates his final dregs of self-worth.
It's ten years that Vangeance spent playing both sides. Ten years of accepting Patry's burning vitriol and hatred towards humanity, while also fighting every day to protect humans in Julius' honor. And it wasn't like he could cleanly divide the time he spent supporting Patry vs. the time he spent supporting Julius, the line is so blurred that that slow betrayal is steeped into every aspect of his life. The Golden Dawn is a powerful brigade that's earned so much merit and that has done so much for the people, but also it's an incubator for a bunch of elf vessels. Vangeance can't ever just leave Patry behind, because Patry and he are one and the same, but he's become such a national hero that there's no way to dissociate himself from his identity as Grand Magic Knight, either. Not to mention how closely Patry's plan was tied into Vangeance's status and privilege as a Captain.
Those ten years must have completely eroded his ability to self-identify as a protector of the people, since he was a traitor to his Kingdom and race, leaving him with only his loyalties to his two most cherished people ... and even that, he wasn't allowed to retain, because he'd ultimately lose one or the other. And I think that's why, in the end, he couldn't choose. It was a boiling-frog situation where he allowed himself smaller betrayals against the Kingdom at first (the Kingdom that he knows has so horrendously wronged Patry, and that was so cruel to him in his formative years), telling himself that any one of those actions was more forgivable than the absolute crime of betraying his literal soulmate, who had genuinely been wronged by humankind. First just secretly harboring post-awakening Patry, and then sympathizing with his cause, and then forming the Golden Dawn with members who could serve as elf vessels, and then finally starting to allow Patry to act as 'Licht.' But with each betrayal, he could no longer call himself any sort of true protector, increasingly just a lying traitor, eroding his sense of identity bit by bit, leaving him with nothing to sincerely call his own except his devotion to the two people he loves most -- Patry and Julius. His dearest friend, and his benefactor and father figure. And finally, he's fully cornered, and has to accept that they can no longer coexist in any capacity. They will fight, and one of them will probably die.
And I think the pain would have been further magnified by the fact that Vangeance isn't oblivious to what he's doing. Vangeance, fully aware that every single path of action he could take would hurt someone he cherished, tried desperately to walk the middle ground in hopes that some miracle would manifest and stop the slow-moving trainwreck of his life. But he also would have known that no miracle would manifest, and he should have just made his choice, but maybe, but maybe. Every time he hurt someone would have been a fresh regret to add to the pile, and every addition to that pile would have made him all the more desperate not to hurt the people he did have remaining, and so the vicious cycle went for ten years.
Vangeance is a fucking coward who couldn't choose who to be loyal to, and I do think a part of his cowardice is selfish. Selfish because it's driven by elements of self-preservation, of the desperate desire to protect the people important to him, because they were all he had for the longest time. And he's aware of all this, Vangeance knows exactly what he did wrong, but he still can't stop himself, and because of that he truly hates himself. He grew up surrounded by people hating on him and was sustained only by his desire and ability to protect, but now that he knows he's failed even in that aspect, to his subordinates, to the Kingdom, to the most important people in his life, there's no reason for him to disagree with all those people who said he's just some cursed thing.
There's something really fucking sad about the fact that his 'last words' in both the manga and the light novels ("Perhaps I'll be forgiven for praying, at least ... ?") are pleas to a higher being ... for the sake of those he'll be leaving behind. Because to the end, he doesn't consider himself something worth saving, and all he wants is for those he cherishes to be safe and happy. And since he's failed to protect those people, all he can do (if he's even permitted that luxury, as a coward and a traitor and the worst sort of human being) is pray that someone else will be able to protect them better than he did.